Self Serve Coffee for Dummies

This is one that's been brewing (ha!) for years...

I go to a place most AMs to get myself a cup 'o' joe, and copies of the NY Daily News and NY Post (hey, I'm the common man!). Small place with an incredibly inconvenient parking lot. Six spaces. Nice guy named Bob (but that's not his real name). I'll get to that in another rant.

They have self-service for your hot beverages. Mostly good ol' java, but they have some flavored coffee (don't get me started), teas, and hot chocolate. So let's not limit this to a coffee rant. Anyway, they also have 4 sizes include a 20oz. that I favor for the very affordable price of $1.50. How much would that buy at Starbucks?

So where am I going here? They have two spacious areas to get your cup, pour your selection, add your accompaniments (milk, cream, sugar, phony sugar), stir briskly and place a lid. This process should take all of 30 seconds. I know if I'm the guy who owns it I'm hoping it takes no longer. Volume sales + beverage profit pays the rent with moolah-dee!

But------ there are those among us who must throw a monkeywrench in the works. Those who must stand and inspect cups (they are all the same, just different sizes), try to figure out which pot is the freshest (here is a hint - when they make new pots, they mix all the old one's together!), pour their coffee, then try to decide if they want milk or cream (big decision), then sweeten the brew. One this chemistry project is almost over, they stir, and stir, and stir. Then they wait and try a sip, and another sip. "Oooh, it's tepid!" Needs more cream apparently. Sip again. Little more sweetener. Sip again. Almost there. A little more of this and a little more of that. Sip. "Aaah, just right" (because we'd hate for you to have a coffee with just a little too much/too little of the nutrients and vitamins it provides!

So, on the way.

NO.

With all that adding and adding, there is now too much beverage for the cup to hold once the lid is placed. It's called displacement. But since you barely know how to pour a cup of coffee, I won't hold you to knowing that one. So now we have the inevitable sip-fest until we get to an acceptable liquid level. AARGH!

The biggest problem is not the actual time it takes to make this antidote. It is the plain and simple fact that this jack*** is always standing in the middle of things, hindering the progress of hard-working, ordinary folk who know how to make a cup of coffee. And when these geniuses finally do make their way to the counter, they block that last hurdle too, probably asking "what we're the numbers last night". Idiots.

Here is a clue. Get out of your car, have a plan, make your coffee and get out!

So you can most likely get to the ATM before me and hinder me there as well.

Cup of steaming hot blog!